If I had a Life
by StormySkys
Summary: Kagura, wanting to see how humans live, goes for a walk through a small village and witnesses everything she's missing out on.


**A/N: **I wrote this fic because, while Kagura's drive and independance are some of my favorite things about her, there's a lot more to her than just wanting to be free. Yeah. Also, I wanted to try my hand at angst, but I didn't want it to be pairing angst or the kind of angst where a character harms themselves. Soo...here it is.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kagura or anything else InuYasha related.

**If I had a Life**

Pure strands of silver shone down from the sky, barely piercing the swirling purple mists surrounding the Japanese castle. Not much moonlight made it into the window of the barren, dusty room where a feminine figure lay face up on the ground. She was clothed finely, the silken fabric or her kimonos pooled around her body in an empty embrace. The woman's lips were painted red, her hair was pulled back tidily…she could have been a geisha. However it was clear the moment her eyes opened, revealing blood coloured irises, that this woman was nowhere near as pure. She was a demon.

Kagura knew the castle had rooms with beds, but they were all so much farther from the exit. So much closer to _him_. Yes, her back was starting to ache, but she was used to it. Usually it helped if she stood by the window a bit before trying to sleep, but it hadn't tonight. Tonight when she'd stood there, eyes closed to better feel the breeze against her pale skin, she'd found the night air oddly uncomforting. Usually it calmed her, allowed her to cast her troubled thoughts to the winds and forget them until mourning…not tonight. Tonight the cold gusts only chilled her, making her shiver and shake and forcing her to turn from her element to the stale confines of Naraku's castle.

What had the wind witch so distressed? The same things as always…kind of. Her thoughts were on freedom, yes, and survival but she was starting to realize that it was about so much more than that. She wanted…

She wanted…

Oh, she didn't know what she wanted. Kagura had always thought she'd longed simply to fly away. To let the wind carry her as far as it would and never fear that her life would be snuffed out by her maker. This was what she wanted and yet…it suddenly seemed so empty.

Earlier, Kagura had taken a walk. She'd had some free time, and she wanted to see how the humans lived so she decided to visit the nearest village. Landing her feather in the woods she'd begun walking through one of the fields surrounding the town, wearing a straw hat to cover her ears and shade her eyes. She hadn't even reached the settlement when she'd seen them; the children.

There had been five of them - three little girls and two boys – all running around playing a tag-like game. It seemed the boys in this game were chasing the girls, trying to catch one and take her to beneath a cherry tree. Then the other two girls would try to rescue her, and so on. It was really a redundant game. Kagura watched them for a long while and no one ever won or lost. Still, they were having fun, weren't they? So simple minded. Though, Kagura supposed that was just something that came with innocence. She herself had never been a child, had never been innocent. Her mere creation was tainted; birthed from cold, strategic calculation rather than love and affection. A tool of wickedness from her first moments.

She found suddenly that watching the little ones hurt. Their playful laughter and bright smiles were painful to her. She did not stop watching them though, not until they were called back by a woman from the village. One of the little girls ran to the woman who was apparently her mother and was lifted up into a tight embrace…this hurt Kagura most of all.

She continued into the village though, despite the darkening skies. The peasant families were all finishing their work for the night and heading in. She should have left around that time, but as she was walking she saw something move on the street she was turning to. It was a young woman of subtle charms; plain at first glance, but quite fair if the observer cared to look longer. She was trying to carry a stack of firewood that was clearly too much for her to handle. Still, she kept walking, stumbling slightly every now and again. Kagura's first thought was of how mundane human chores were. Her second was that 'mundane' might be a nice change from her own 'chores'.

As Kagura continued to watch the young woman fumble her way down the street – she did not know why, but she'd found herself silently routing for the other not to drop anything – the girl tripped on a stone and fell, wood scattering everywhere. Kagura had squinted and looked away, though she herself couldn't place why she didn't want to see the peasant fall. When she looked back she expected to see the young woman on the ground, possibly injured by the falling wood…but no. A male youth, looking about the age of the girl, had come from one of the houses and caught her around the waist. The girl took a few moments to realize she'd been caught and did not move for those few moments. During that time she simply held her hands in front of her face, bracing herself for an impact that never came. The young man's arms were the only things keeping her up until she snapped out of her trance and stood by herself. This didn't last long as she soon sighed in a happy manner and leaned back against the other youth, who embraced her comfortingly. The two whispered things to each other that Kagura could not hear.

The wind user found herself thinking the scene sweet, but that quickly changed. What a weak, useless, woman? Kagura had never had much sympathy or understanding for those who could not take care of themselves. Even worse were those like the young man, so quick to play hero. It was probably just for the bragging rights and gratitude. Kagura was disgusted…

Still…

Something sharp pulled at Kagura's chest. It was the same pain as when she was watching the children…It felt like when Naraku was using her heart as a stress ball, except…not. It was in her chest, and yet it was not a physical pain. Did Kagura envy the young woman? The children? No…

It was no use to be in envy of children, because there was nothing to be done about that. Most creatures went through a period of childhood, had friends and older people who cared for them, played silly games and laughed. She didn't. That was the end of that. It's not as if she even wanted any of those things anyways…but…maybe, if there had been a time when she'd been younger, they might have been…nice.

As for the young woman, she probably led a very tame life. Not too much excitement. While Kagura didn't like the kind of excitement working for Naraku brought her, she knew she could never be satisfied with the life of a human peasant. Besides that, the girl really was weak. Kagura didn't need to be comforted and she certainly didn't need to be taken care of. That was fact…well, the second one was. There were times, she could admit, when she didn't want to be alone with her thoughts. They depressed her and left her crawling desperately towards an ever distant goal with only the reassurance of the same morbid thoughts that she'd ever make it. To have another person's reassurance that things would turn out, or even just a comforting presence….well, that might also be nice. And even…well, she didn't need to be taken care of, and she didn't want to be, but if there were someone who wanted to take care of her then she supposed she wouldn't hate them for it.

It was after that train of thought that Kagura caught herself. What was she thinking? None of these questions even mattered. She had her role in life, and she'd fight like hell to get out of it. Alone. It was useless to speculate about how she'd feel if she'd had childhood or if she had something like the young woman and man had, because she never would. Even if she were someday free of Naraku, this wasn't a world she fit into, or even wanted to fit into. So what if it had it's attractions? They weren't things that would ever be in her grasp so she should just stop thinking about them.

Easier said that done. Kagura had thought of them the whole flight back to Naraku's castle. A place that she had never liked, but was now made a painful reminder that she would probably never have a real home. Why did she have to go for that walk?

The same thoughts were still buzzing around Kagura's head as she tried to sleep, which she would not do for several hours. When sleep did finally take her, softening her usually sharp features and bringing temporary peace to her mind, it was a sleep full of dreams. Happy dreams, dreams filled with love and laughter. Dreams of a life she could never have.

A small smile graced her face and stayed there until mourning, when she awoke to the smell of miasma and a very physical pain in her chest.


End file.
